


Ashes to Ashes

by CallipsisVonDoth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ex boyfriend Benny, F/F, F/M, Flowers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Possessive Behavior, Pregnant Jessica, Self-Hatred, Stalking, grumpy morning cas, tags to be added as story goes along
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-07 00:15:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4242114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallipsisVonDoth/pseuds/CallipsisVonDoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone has been watching Dean Winchester from the darkness afraid to make contact, but so very in love that he cannot look away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Playing with fire

**Author's Note:**

> I have a tendency to either forget to write for a bit/ lose the ability to post for a bity bit so just know that going into this! -NEW- I added the last few paragraphs of this chapter later on (because I figured it would be better in this chapter rather than the next). I'll have a note on the next chapter to remind anyone that's already read this chapter and are waiting for the next to go back and read it. So yeah... There ya go!

Night struck just as it always did leaving the streets all but barren underneath the light of the moon. Darkness calling out as though an invite for the wicked to crawl out of their hiding. Begging them to run amok through the parks and pleasantry of downtown Lawrence. Shadowed creatures dipping in and out of pools of light as they danced and spun their partners into a sorrow they wouldn't remember in the morning, assuming morning came. Which it didn't for the less fortunate. Where some found peace of mind in the biting cold of the autumn streets, others in a bag of this or that, Dean Winchester chose the familiarity and warmth hidden withing Purgatory. The lights were dull and the background noise a gentle mixture of an old jukebox playing Stairway to Heaven, and the murmurers of the crowd. Dean sat on a wooden stool that looked more likely to break than see its way to the end of another day, watching the liquid withing his glass swirl as he spun it. 

"You going to drink that sometime tonight child?" Benny Lafitte spoke with a light snicker in his tone that Dean couldn't help but smile at. 

"Thought about it." He looked up at his old friend before downing the drink. As he felt the familiar burn it left in its wake he sat up to pay but Benny stopped him. 

"There's no need." He paused and looked down at the glass he was cleaning before continuing. "I know what day it is. Be safe tonight brother."

Dean laughed a laugh not out of cheer but something more a mix of sorrow and pain. " Thanks, I'll be seeing you." With that Dean grabbed his coat off the bar and turned his back on the comfort of the pub to delve into the night. 

The air stung his face and he shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked. ~Of course Benny knew what day it is~ Dean thought to himself. ~Same night every year...~ He could still hear the sound of his fathers voice. The last thing he ever heard him say. 

"Take your brother outside! Now Dean go!" Dean took his brother and did as he was told, just barley got out the front door before the windows shattered around them and fire engulfed everything he once knew. What Sammy never knew... 

He was already home before he found his way out of this thoughts. Took his keys out with shaky hand and unlocked the door to be greeted by a hollow nothingness and a flashing four on the answering mechine. The lights left a yellow glow on everything it touched and as Dean stripped off his layers and pressed the play back button. The voices he was expecting played through the house only slightly mechanicalized. Dean grabbed a bear out of the fridge and sat down on his couch to listen. Sammy would be first he knew. 

-Beep- "Hey Dean, I tried to call you earlier. Thought maybe we could get together. ... Guess not... Jess and I are having a kid. I was going to tell you tonight but... yeah. Call me. We miss you." -Beep-

Dean took another swig of his drink and tried to steady his hand. ~Why did I blow Sammy off? What kind of brother am I?~ He thought to himself and himself alone in the dark. The second message began to play.

-Beep- "Hey Dean." Bobby's voice rang out. "I know what you're doing today and I can't tell you to stop all I can tell you is what you already know. You were a kid. It was an accident. You did what you needed to do and that was save Sam. So be sad all you need to today, but just... call me." -Beep- 

~I was just a kid...~

-Beep- "Deeean" A slightly slurred Sam's voice came through. "Dean. Brother, I jus... I just called to uh" There was a pause as Sam needed to think about why his drunk ass called. "To tell youuu that I love you. And ta... ta stop being so grouchy! Come see my babe's belly Dean! It's gunna be big..." Another pause. " Big news! Call me tomorr-" -Beep-

~ I was just a kid...~ Dean stood up and threw the glass bottle against mirror across from him. The glass shattered and fell to the floor. 

"Well kids shouldn't play with fire!" Dean screamed at himself as the thousand tiny reflections glared at him from the floor. 

-Beep- Dean was confused. Sam and Bobby already called, who else would? "Um... He- hello?" A very gravely voice spoke out. One dean couldn't place. "My name's Castiel. A friend asked me to call you... He told me we may have something in common? Gave me your number... I'd be interested in getting together sometime. He's told me a lot about you. Give me a call sometime." -Beep-

Dean stood chest heaving. Castiel? Who was this guy? Who was the supposed friend? He stooped over to pick up the broken glass and cut his finger on one of the edges. Blood trickled down and as he watched all the emotions he'd been trying to hold captive escaped and he fell to his knees in dismay. Tears burned as they fled his face and splashed like forbidden secrets onto a sharp reflection of a broken man.

The air whipped across a shadowed figure's face as they watched Dean crumble into something a little less than man. Through the window he smiled at the sight. He began to laugh, although the wind snatched the sound away before it got so far as for someone to hear. He belted out the sound as if everything about what lay before him was the most hilarious thing. 

He watched Dean lay amidst the shattered fragments of himself before walking away whilst whistling "The Sound of Silence". 

It faded into the night and darkness raced to fill the space left in the wake of the man. The moon sang a lullaby to Dean that night if only he could have heard. The stars wept and the sky fell into a deeper grey ad Dean dropped further into a numbness nothing short of an angel could raise him from.


	2. Do you believe in angels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for how long it's been... How long has it been? *shrug* oh well. Reminder!! For those of you that didn't read the later updated end of the first chapter please go back and do so. I mean you don't have to but... Anywho it's there. ^u^

Tick-tick-tick-tick. Besides the hidden clockwork ticking away and the sound of Dean's footprints on the ground there was almost no sound. There was no light. There was, however, a whisper. Dean couldn't make out what it said but he thought it sounded important. So he followed the whisper deeper and deeper into the darkness. Counting the ticks and matching his steps. He felt as though he'd been walking endlessly for hours when suddenly, with out warning, everything stopped. 

There was no relentless ticking and his footsteps made no sound as they made impact on the ground beneath him. The whisper cracked into a sharp still, and not even his heartbeat could be heard over the defending quiet that consumed the space around him. 

Although he knew he should be scared, he felt at peace. He couldn't hear the ticking. He couldn't hear his thoughts. He revealed in the time spent not feeling the pain of constant self belittlement. Dean knew the silence should frighten him, but he just couldn't feel the fear. He was so taken over by the still that a simple whisper from the dark sounded as loud as a scream. What came booming through the dark upsetting the still was a simple question. A question that ripped Dean from the pleasant dream.   
"Do you believe in angels?" 

He awoke in cold sweat and a ragged breath, eyes darting and squinting at the blinding light that did not well to replace his darkness. Dean knew what comes with waking light is thought and he was flooded with thoughts of doubt, pain, and flames. The ever constant thought of flames. A single flame...

It took Dean a few drawn out moments to realize the ticking noise he vaguely recalled was that of his phone. The ruffled blankets did well at hiding the phone but Dean so found it and answered the call. 

"Hello?" His voice was sleepy and held the faintest tint of fear. 

"Hey Dean!" Sam's voice cheered out a little to joyful for being shit faced the night before in Dean's opinion. He didn't know how he managed it. 

"What's up baby brother?" Dean whipped the drying sweet off his face. Sam chuckled.

"Jess and I were going to go celebrate the munchkin over some breakfast, we want you there." 

Dean was quiet a moment to long in Sam's mind because he follows up the question in a less elated tone. 

"... You're not a morning person I know. It's cool if you're not up for it..." Dean rolled his eyes. He cold almost hear Sammy's puppy dog eyes and dammit how could he resist? 

"Sam stop. I'll be there... Where is there?" 

"We're headed to the Roadhouse in an hour, meet us there?" Dean could hear Jess in the back ground speaking though he couldn't make out what she said. "Actually make it two... I gotta go Dean. See you in a bit!" 

"Yeah, bye." Dean sighed. He loved seeing Sam but he dreaded facing the day. Removing the blankets alone took a force of will Dean didn't know he could muster but some how he managed to take the first steps off the bed. The wooden floor was cold to the touch and the air in his house matched the nipping cold of the outdoors. 

Dean threw his phone down on the bed behind him as he made his way to the bathroom. He grumbled all the way about this and that. Mostly about how his head hurt and Sam was to damn cheerful in the mornings. 

The bathroom was not overly large, but it was a good size for Dean. It had two full length mirrors and then of course the one over he sink. He took a piss, as people often do when they wake up, and washed his hands. The warm water felt good on his still sleep infested hands.

Dean took his toothbrush out of the holder, trying to ignore the other empty holes. He found himself trying to ignore a lot of things now days like that. It frustrated him. Dean took no joy in brushing his teeth so the mundane task was over and through with timely. 

He turned the water on in the shower and took off his pants. He knew the liquid didn't take long to heat up in his house, one of the few things he enjoyed about the building. Showers were something of a favorite for Dean. It usually equated in a time of peace. But last nights break down had left a fresh set of wounds and the thoughts parades threw his mind. He thought about that night. He thought about how his brother never got to know either of his parents. 

Pictures of their mom and dad were all Sam had to even know their faces. Videos of the two were scarce so he hadn't known the sounds of their voices. The closest thing Sam had to a father was Bobby, and although he wasn't a bad father he wasn't John. Dean knows John would have been a great father. The stories he's been told about his dad convinced him of that long ago. Now... Now Sammy was having a kido and they would never know their grandparents. 

The hot mist fogged the windows and mirrors, as shower mist often does. By the time he pulled himself out of his thoughts and back to reality the water was frozen to the touch and his skin had lost sensation. He stopped the water. Just standing quietly as he reveled in the numbness coursing through his body. He listened to the dips falling from the shower head and began to count. For ever drop he let out a breath all the while attempting to clear his mind of painful thoughts currently corroding him. He sighed. He knew it wouldn't work. 

Dean opened the showers door and set his gaze about locating a towel but found himself starring breathlessly at the largest mirror. Written in the cold glass in slanted letters read - "Do you believe in angels?" 

His dream came flooding back to him, ticking, whispers, and all. Dean could hear the clockwork and it's ever constant ticking - ~no wait... That's my heart beat...~ he thought to himself. He smeared the mirrors message trying in vain to deny its very presence. 

"Hello?" He called through the bathroom door grabbing a towel on his way out to search his house. After a few minutes of frivolous looking he concluded that there was no one there. Although the message was most definitely there, Dean decided to pretend it wasn't. He had enough going on that a trip to the fun house was not one of them. 

"There coming to take me away haha..." Dean half heartedly sang to himself as he dressed. A black t-shirt and a pair of slightly ripped jeans. Topped off with his red flannel and a black coat he called it good. "You laughed you laughed and then you left! But now you see that I'm utterly out of my mind..." He trailed off as he left his house and got into his car. Baby purred to life and they went on their way to meet Sam.   
\---  
A scraggly figure stood in Dean's living room and watched him get ready. He was a small man, comparatively of course. With an unshaven face and a sort of lost look about him. 

He shook his head as he heard Dean sing. Day in and day out he watched Dean pretend to be happy. That's why he called Castiel. They were both so lonely and full of self loathing he thought maybe just maybe... As Dean left he no longer had reason to linger. So instead he went to see a friend. Cas would be home about now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to post more often ;-;-;- I don't like long pauses in fanfics either. Comments would be lovely as well! Motivate me to stop procrastinating...


	3. Good Morning Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas sees Dean for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. It's been forever. I'm horrible. *hides*.

The burnt smell that followed the man around woke Castiel from his slumber. But not pleasantly. Cas did not enjoy the ever present company of the Angel he'd come to calling Chuck. He much prefered laying unconscious upon his bed surrounded by his blankets than the prattling's of Chuck. He was tired of the celestial being constantly talking to him about how, "Cas, how many times do I have to tell you, you are more than this." Or "Castiel, you were meant to be an angel!" Or more often then not- "Could you stop throwing things at me?". 

"Hey Cas! You're still not up?" 

Castiel grumbled something that sounded along the lines of "fuck off" that Chuck chose to ignore. 

He sighed and with an elegant gesture towards the window the curtains flew open. A bright light filled the otherwise dark room. Cas hissed. 

"Fine!" Cas did not like the mornings. When an angel started following him a year ago, it did not help. Now every waking moment was filled with the voice of the scrawny man and his ramblings. 

"I brought you coffee..." Chuck held out a Starbucks cup emanating warmth and Cas glared at it. He eventually took it mumbling about how coffee's all Chuck was good for. 

"What do you want." His gravely voice demanded between sips of coffee. It would have sounded intimidating had Chuck not taken a peek in the human's dream. He swore he saw fluffy bunnys and streamers. Just saying.

"I want you to meet Dean." He was getting annoyed with the human. He'd often talked about Dean. How he could be an amazing man, how he was destined to be an amazing man. That he just needed someone to show him he could be.  
Cas huffed in annoyance. And flopped face forward onto his bed, carful to not spill any of the valuable liquid in the cup.

"How many times do I have to tell you! I called him! Not my fault he hasn't called me back yet." He paused for a second attempting to breathe through the thick fabric covering his face. " And it's only been one day." He felt he needed to add. 

"Get up." He was getting annoyed. "If you and Dean meet y'all might realise-" he was cut off with a pillow to the face. Small feathers floated out of the seams and to the wooded floor. Chuck had to spit a few out of his mouth. 

Cas was now sitting up and glaring at Chuck over his coffee cup. Now mostly awake his best bitch face was plastered to his face. 

"Realize that we're soul mates?" Cas stifled a yawn.

"Yes." 

He sat their looking at Chuck for a good minute before giving up.

"Fine. I'll spend my day off stalking some poor guy if it'll make you shut up for a while." 

Chuck seemed pleased with this answer and told him to get dressed and head to The Roadhouse.   
•••••••••

An hour latter he was dressed in a White shirt and a pair of faded jeans. He had showered but forgotten to shave. He grabbed his trench coat and made his way out into the cold.   
The air bit him and the wind tried desperately to steal his coat on the short walk to his car. He grumbled all the way about this and that... But mostly about the cold.   
The drive to The Roadhouse was short and not overly eventful. He park his car off to the right close to a beautiful Impala. The light bits of snowy fluff that fell from the sky sprinkles upon the car making the black appear even more brilliant. Admiring the car he forgot about the cold, at least until his face started going numb. He hurried inside.   
Warm air greated his chilled bones as he walked in the door. He'd never been here before so he looked around. It was a warm colored place, lots of earthy tones. Classic rock played quietly over a sound system. Cas thought he could just make out the words to Stairway to Heaven and smiled. He hadn't heard that song in a good long while. 

"You just gunna stand there with the door wide open or are you gunna come in?" Castiel look to see a cute little blonde smiling at him while she whipped down one of the tables. 

"Oh, right..." He closed the door behind him and hung his coat on the coat rack beside him. "I'm sorry. "

"It's no problem." She extended her hand. "My names Jo." 

"Pleasure to meet you Jo. I'm Castiel." The shook hands and he bounced back to her work. He let his eyes skim over the room and they fell on a group of people at the far corn or of the room. 

A blonde woman smiled brightly between two men. One of then was holding her hand and seemed to be glowing ever more than the women herself. The other was on his knees, hand on the lady's belly, and seemed to be talking to it.

"That's Dean." A voice behind him shocked Cas out of his thoughts, it was Chuck. He stood, slightly slouched as always and pointed to the man on the floor.   
Cas was captivated. He had a strong build and a brilliant smile. Even at the distance they were at he could make out emerald eyes that seemed to glow. 

He stood their staring at the other man for longer than he would probably care to admit.

Chuck noticed and he smiled. He tapped Cas on his shoulder gaining a miniscule amount of his attention and half dragged him over to the bar. Cas couldn't rip his eyes off Dean- ~Dean what?~ he thought to himself. He couldn't recall Chuck ever saying. As if the angel knew he spoke the words the human desired. 

"Winchester. His name is Dean Winchester."


	4. Break away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really trying ya'll. I post as often as I can ;-;-;-;-;

The drive to the Roadhouse was not a quiet one. Dean tried desperately to drown out his thoughts with music. The road was clear due to the insistent cold. AS snow began to fall Dean realized something though. Something that should have been obvious. Sam was having a baby. His little brother was having a baby. He understood that he was to blame for the kido not having grandparents, but Dean couldn't imagine a better set of parents than Sam and Jess. Jess is a nurse, she saves people. Sammy is a lawyer he saves people, more or less. And little bits uncle... Dean let himself be happy for a change. Dean would pimp out the most amazing car for that kid. He would be happy today. If only for today. If only for Sam. 

He pulled into the parking lot of the Roadhouse with the biggest dopiest grin on his face. His cheeks hurt from the unfamiliar gesture and it was wonderful. The air seemed less daunting and more whimsical.  
He flew through the doors into the familiar smells and feel of Ellen's establishment. Immediately he spotted Jo behind the counter and dashed towards her. Her petite blonde self looked up in both joy and surprise at Dean's gleaming face. 

"Dean!" She shrieked in between giggles as he lifted her up in his arms and twirled her around. Still smiling. He wasn't going to let the darkness fill his soul today. Not today. Today was about Sam and Jess and whom-so-ever it is growing within her. He wouldn't be so selfish to be upset today. 

"Jo you are beautiful!" He exclaimed setting her back down on the creaky wooden floor. She gave him her famous questioning look. 

"Are you high?" It was blunt and to the point. Dean's hands flew up to his chest in mock disgust at the accusation. 

"What? No! Can't I just be in a good mood?" Jo seemed to have to think that over and Dean winced. But she ended up letting it go choosing to instead give him another giant hug.

"You getting laid or something?" She teased as the embrace ended. Quickly adding, "Never mind I don't want to know! Sam and Jess are in the back waiting for you by the way." With one last smile he started back towards the back but a hand stopped him.   
Jess looked like she was debating weather to ask something or not. "Does... and I don't mean to be rude but does... Jess look a little rounder to you?" She added a lump motion on her stomach for emphasis. Dean only winked back in response leaving Jo all manors of confused. 

Sam and Jess where idling drinking what can only be assumed as water and where deep in conversation. Neither of the two spotted Dean approaching so he managed to hear part of what they were saying. 

"No. Jess. Just NO! There is now way in or out of hell that Spike was better for her then Angel. There is no emotional connection between them! Just sex! Where was Angel loved her completely." They were both grinning from ear to ear but Jess was trying to play off a pretend defensive face. !

"No Emotional connection? It may have started out as a physical connection but after a while he really does care for her! And she cares for him too even though she feels it's wrong for her too." 

Sam's expression fell into his very best bitch face and dead pan delivered, "We need a divorce. I just don't think this is going to work anymore Jess." They sat in silence for not even a full minute before the two of them burst into a loud snorting laughter. Dean thought it would be a good time to interrupt. 

"What about Riley?" Dean asked even though he himself hated Riley's character. At first it looked like they were going to great him hello but as they realized what he said they threw fries at him that Dean hadn't seen they had chanting "Boo!"

They all sat discussing Buffy's love interests for a while but as the conversation rotated towards Kennedy and Willow's relation ship they had to stop. Sam concluded that he didn't need Dean and Jess coming to blows in middle of the bar over the heated Tara/Kennedy debate. They ended up actually talking about the little bit.

"What are you going to name it?" Dean asked while he was on his knee in front of her. Hands on her belly imagining holding the baby itself. Sam and Jess exchanged a glance that Dean seemed to miss.

'Well..." Jess began. "If it's a girl we're going to name her Mary." Dean smiled sadly and nodded. "And if it's a boy..." She trailed off looking up to Sam. Silently asking him to continue. Dean looked up as well at the sudden silence. 

"Dean." Was all Sam said leaving his brother confused. 

"Yeah man I'm paying attention." He smiled and went back to imagining her niece or nephew. 

"No Dean. If it's a boy we want to name him after you." 

Anything the couple said after that simply went right over his head as he tried desperately to understand what his brother said. Because why in all that is good and right with what that child would be, would they name him after the sorry excuse for a human Sam's had to dean with all his life. 

After a moment Dean managed to find his voice, although horse and quiet, he asked them why. "- Why would you do that?" 

Sam was quiet for a moment. Then grabbed Dean gently by the shoulder making him stand up and look him in the eye. 

"Because you are one of the most important people in my entire life. When... when dad and mom died you were there for me. Bobby may have been the adult in the house but you were who I looked up to. You made me believe I could follow my dreams. You protected me from everything and anything. Hell man you put me through law school which made me meet Jess. I..." Sam had to pause to find the right words. "Dean I wouldn't be me if it weren't for you. I wouldn't be here today with the love of my life having a kid! If it weren't for my big brother." 

Dean couldn't stop himself. His eyes began to water and he leaned into the giant that was his younger brother and let all the pain and emotion he'd tried to bury free. Jess just stood aside and watched with a pained joy thinking of the life she new was soon to come.


	5. Dammit Chuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter seems eh to me. Next one will be up in a day or two.

The waves after waves of emotion that crashed down on Dean settled only slightly after Sam and Jess left. He sat at the bar quietly cradling his now all but empty glass of Ellen's more expansive liquor. It had been a good day and he found himself still pleasantly grinning. Dean was only slightly startled as Jo slid onto a bar stool next to him. Smiling slyly-always a dangerous thing. 

She didn't say anything for a minute or two as Dean stared at her expectantly. Finally she pulled a bottle out from behind her back and filled his glass.

"Ok spill." That took Dean aback. 

"Spill what?"

"Well for starters why that tall dark and gorges has been staring at you all night." She winked at him and tilted her head to the left for him to see. 

Dean, in the pleased mood he was in, allowed himself to chance a look. And if it could have been more obvious how shocked he was at the man across the room a neon sign would have had to be involved. Perhaps a mega phone... He sat at the opposite end of the bar with black hair that Dean couldn't help imagining running his hands threw. Couldn't help ponder how the stubble would feel raked across his, of late, unaccustomed body. How the man's slender figures could- 

"Dean!" Jo slapped him across the shoulder in an attempt to grab his otherwise occupied attention. 

"What?" Tearing his eyes from the perfect stranger was an endeavor but he managed to make eye contact with his friend.

"Holy shit batman, I lost you there for a second!" She whipped her head around to stare at the other fellow. "I mean I get it, if I didn't have my nerd and he hadn't been oogling you all night I might consider having a go." 

He laughed. "You're starting to talk like Charlie, Jo. And no he wasn't!" His protest was betrayed by his dorky ass grin though. 

"Uh Dean. I was at the door when he came in. As soon as he saw you he looked like he was going to faint ok? You should go talk to him!" She filled his drink up yet again and pulled him to his feet. Although he was considerably taller than her she had a way of making the Winchester do things. 

The distance seemed to grow between the two humans as Dean thought about actually talking to the man. He was admittedly timid. He knew he was fairly good looking but he never had the bravery to go talk to anyone. Jo must have seen the wheals in his brain ticking. Without looking up she grabbed his sleeve and simply stated-

"If you don't go talk to him I'll tell Charlie no more larping for you. Her kingdom will crumble without the Righteous Knight in battle and she'll have to behead you." With that she let go and sipped her drink with a smirk across her face. 

Dean thought about what he could possibly say in retort but came up short. His character was his escape from everyday life. If the queen beheaded him he was as good as dead in the "sadly really real world" as Charlie liked to put it. Instead he grumbled through a poorly hidden smile and started walking towards the dark haired cutie.  
\---

Cas sat at the bar thinking about nothing in particular. Idly drinking a glass of scotch and fingering a slight hole in his beloved trench coat. The presence of someone approaching made him look up- and nearly choke on his drink. 

"Hey, I ..." Dean stopped. From across the room he hadn't been able to see the pair blazing blue eyes. He was utterly captivated, staring with a look of awe and longing. Dean only noted his trailing off and lingering eyes as The blue eyed man looked away blushing ever so slightly in the dim light. He chuckled and dropped his gaze to the glaze chipped floor bellow his feet. "I'm sorry. I had something witty all planed out to say. You were going to roll your eyes and be amused and I was going to get us some drinks but you caught me off guard." He was looking at blue eyes again and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. Jo, who had somewhere along the line moved behind the counter a little away from them, giggled at his rambling before making a show of drying a single glass. Dean glared at her momentarily before turning back to blue eyes. 

He was watching Dean with an amused look about him, almost as though he enjoyed the man's lack of an opening line.

"Would... Would you like to join me?" A gravely voice that Dean did not expect to come from blue eyes inquired. He grinned. 

"I'd love to. I'm Dean." He extended his hand to shake as he sat down in a stool a tan trench coat used to occupy. 

Blue eyes blush deepened. "I uh... I'm Castiel..." He averted his eyes. Dean thought for a second. Why did Castiel's name seem so familiar. After a brief moment he remembered. The phone call.

"Huh." Was the first thing Dean could manage though he quickly rebounded. ~ A weird coincidence but damn this guy is hot~ he thought to himself before continuing. "Well awesome. Saves me a phone call." He paused to wave Jo over for more drinks- she already knew what the two were having after all-. "For now at least." 

Cas's eyes were on him, cheeks entirely red but Dean gave him the courtesy of not commenting. Although it was incredibly difficult. 

As Jo poured the drinks Cas watched the liquid intently, obviously nervous to a great degree. Dean on the other hand was calm both to his and Jo's surprise. He hadn't tried flirting for years often only frequenting Purgatory where most knew to leave him alone. Today though had been good. He truly felt some semblance of joy today with his brother, Jess, and Mary/Lill Dean.

"Well it's a pleasure to meet you in person Dean." Cas spoke slowly eyes widening as cheery red head appears through the doors. Her pale cheeks and nose where red and white fluff adorned her attire. She noticed him with a start and bounced over. 

"Sup bitches!" Dean looked surprised at her appearance but happy none the less. She looked between the two carefully pausing on Cas's calculating face. She knew that face. 

"Charlie! Charlie's actually the one that gave me your number." His eyes lingered on her's a moment before smiling back at Dean. 

"Riiiight..." She drawled on. "I just knew y'all would hit it off..." She hesitated only slightly, certainly not enough for anyone not knowing it was a lie to take note. Dean was smiling from ear to ear, oblivious to Castiel's relaxed face at her appearance and her questioning glance found him. "Hey look! It's my lovely! I'm just gunna... Yeah." She stated eager to leave the situation. Charlie slowly back away with a wink before turning on her heals and heading for a quiet happy looking Jo. 

"Charlie huh? That's awesome! How do you know her?" Dean asked quite happy himself at the common ground. He loved Charlie. She was a little sister to the otherwise sister less Winchester.

"She often comes into my shop." Cas' smile softened as he watched Charlie and Jo talk a little ways down the bar. Charlie was showing Jo something on her laptop and they were giggling. 

"Shop? That's cool. What kind?" 

"I make..." He shook his head slightly. " I used to bake a lot so me and a friend created a coffee/bakery shop on mass." 

"That's cool. I just have one question." He looked very serious as stared stared Cas down. The light tone of their conversation dissipated in an instant. "Do you make pie." The whole bar fell into silence. It took Cas a moment to actually realize what was said before he broke into a fitful laughter. 

"Yes Dean." He wiped the laughter tears from his eyes catching his breath. "I make many kinds of pie." 

Dean looked like he was going to ravish him right their in the not quite so crowded bar. 

They talked for several hours about this or that and both gentlemen had a good night. Once one thirty hit the bar had officially closed hours hence and Jo wanted to go home. Charlie had left around 12, giving Dean a hug and Cas a 'you will explain later' look. 

"Dean I had a lovely night. Thank you. But I have work in the morning and I must go." He wrote a set of numbers down on a napkin close to him and handed it to Dean. "You should call me sometime." Dean took the paper gratefully.

"Goodnight Cas." 

"Goodnight Dean."

He through on his trench coat and left. Smiling when he realized the snow had stopped... and that Chuck was right.


	6. "I'm coming home"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got distracted, then couldn't figure out what to write next. I'm bad at this whole "I'm not the only one that reads my own fanfiction" thing.

*Tick - tick, tick, tick*  
*Tick - tick, tick, tick *  
*Tick - tick, tick, tick *

"Well what do you know?" 

*Tick - tick, tick, tick*  
*Tick - tick, tick, tick*

"Of course he knows! He's mine! He knows he's mine!"

*Tick - tick, tick... CRASH*

Broken glass and splintered wood lay littering the stone floor. Being all that remains of conversation besides heavy breathing wrapped in the sounds of silence. 

"He knows... I'll make him know..."  
\------

The sun was to bright for his liking. It filtered through unblocked windows in pools of light that seemed to only please the unnamed stray cat lounging in the corner. The relativity spacious area was filled with the sound of typing, page turning, coffee brewing pleasant stillness Cas has yet to find anywhere but Perdition. Everything was in shades of dark red and grey. It reminded him of rusted silver and things of times gone by. 

"Cas? Are you ghosting on me again?" Charlie plucked a blue berry off her morning tart and threw it with playful force at her friend. It bounced off his cheek leaving a small blue dot to mark it's target. The look of utter confusion that passed Cas' normally stoic face forced a giggle out of the red head. "Why are you throwing berries at me?" Faked disgust littered his voice but Charlie could always see through his elaborate disguise. "I was asking you what was up with you and Dean last night and you full on Casper the antisocial ghosted me. Rude, by the by." "Oh..." He was back to the present. Charlie was sitting on the other side of the counter sipping a fruit smoothie and eating a tart he prepared for her. Her laptop was open of to the side and he could hear quiet music playing out of her earphones, lying discarded for better socialization, on the table. It sounded like a Kansas song but he couldn't quite place it. She was still giving him an expecting look. "What were you asking?"

She sighed her 'Cas I've about had enough of your shit' sigh and repeated. "I asked what your weirdness was about last night. With Dean?" 

"Right just... you wouldn't believe me if I told you." He went back to arranging the pastries in their respective display cases. Intently focused on anything other than the annoyed red head. 

"Castiel. If you don't talk to me right now I'm going to have to throw my perfectly delicious tart at your white apron." She glanced down at it as if thinking about the prospect of loosing her food and seemed to reconsider her threat. Cas turned to stare at her for what seemed like a long time. He'd known her a good while by now. She had been one of his fist costumers, and soon after one of his closest friend. 

"What if I told you an... an angel told me about Dean." He spoke slowly watching her face for any change in friendliness. "Told me to find him because we could help one another."

Charlie nodded her head slightly as if urging him on. Though she did not speak. 

" I know how it sounds but it's true. He, Chuck, gave me Dean's number and told me to call him. So I did. But I guess I didn't think about what I would tell him as to how I obtained his number. Chuck just told me to do it so I did and he-" He was starting to rant. Trying desperately to word it in a way Charlie could understand without freaking. 

"Cas it's ok! I believe you." She sat back into her chair, proceeding to drink more of her smoothie. 

He stared at her dumbfounded. "You do?" 

She simply nodded. 

"Why?"

"Because you're not really one for making up stories Cas. So... Chuck... told you you could help one another?" She paused considering. "Help with what?" The bell on the front door chimed with someones entering. Castiel greeted them passively without looking. Charlie held his focus. He was in a daze and didn't notice the man until his voice rang out to his ears and gave him the oddest sense of butterflies through his entire body. 

"I'll have a slice of your finest apple pie." 

\-------------

A man walked down the snowy street holding flowers and mumbling to himself. His footprints were not alone in the white fluff, so the prospect of being traced didn't worry him. Though it never really did. He watched his hot breath play out before him in the frozen air and thought about all the lovely things he'd like to do to his love. His. He gritted his teeth thinking about the two of them at the bar. His Dean and some other prim-and-proper bugger being touchy and flirty with HIS. It was almost enough to make his skin crawl. To make him break apart from his beloved shadows and claim what was his. Almost enough to bring him to using the knife he carries, to slice it gently across the mans face in just a way to force Deans eyes away... almost. He found his hand playing with the hilt of his knife and took it away. ~There shall be none of that tonight...~ he told himself.  
~Not tonight~ 

\---------------

"Well, Cas, not for nothing, but last person looked at me like that... I got laid." Dean smirked at Cas' hot flushed face and gave a laugh that seemed to warm the frozen bit of pain left in his heart. "I'm just playing with you man, you need to lighten up." He turned his attention to Charlie and have a deep bow. "Your majesty." 

Charlie gave a broad smile, slight crumbs of tart falling from her, "Sir Winchester." 

"If you would please allow me to steal this fine barista, your majesty, I would be so humbled." His head was still bowed to the red head, and Castiel was all manors of confused. 

"I do believe I may permit this. I must be off to work by any means." She turned to Cas and smiled once more. "Thank you for another interesting morning Cas, I'll see you later! And good day to you, Dean." With that she popped off the high stool she sat upon and collected her things. 

"Have fun storming the castle Charlie!" Dean called after her as she was walking out the door and took her seat. "So Cas." Dean turned back to the flustered man behind the counter. "How 'bout that pie?"

\------------------------

The man walked up to the door and rang the bell. It chimed but there was no response. He cursed under his breath and tried the knob. It didn't turn. He hadn't truly expected it to. In all his time watching the Winchester he knew all of his habits. The windows would be locked to but the difference between windows and doors... the window could be much easily more opened. 

He hefted a rock into the window, careful not to let anyone see or hear, it's sound echoing down the street. He crawled into the dark space inside and breathed deep. The musk of Dean hung heavy in the house. Clear glass littered the living room floor scattered about with stray flower petals and it crunched under his heavy boots. He made his way directly to the back bedroom. He opened the closet and removed a red flannel hanging there, breathing in Deans familiar scent. He lay the flannel down on the bed and delicately began plucking the petals off the white and red roses he held. Dropping them one by one around the bed, spinning all the while. All the while humming. "I'm coming home... I'm coming home." Words bleed though as he raked his hands though the dying flowers. "Tell them all I'm coming home." With the stems now barren he set them of the floor. 

The bed seemed to beckon him. He lay down and wrapped himself in the covers. He took whimpering breaths and tightened his hold on the fabric. Everything fell into a whirlwind of emotions driving him mad. The bulge in his pants ever growing as he imagined himself with the eldest of the two brothers, there on the bed, and he smiled a wicked smile. 

It would be soon.


	7. Back into the void that beckons

When he talked to Castiel the world seemed to slow around him. He couldn't hear the sound of typing computers or brewing coffee. All his senses where tuned to the man before him. The way his smile seemed to take over the entirety of his face and how his laugh filled the air, burning away the cold like fire. It hadn't been more than forty-eight hours after seeing Cas that Dean felt the desire to be with him. To hold conversation with him about anything. Everything. In that moment he felt the world shift out of the darkness he had always known and allowed himself to envision something lovely. The horrid far reaches of his mind that, despite new found hope, still rage against all things light withing him bang upon the walls and demand to be heard. They dance with a gracefulness only known to the most delicate thoughts of destruction within Dean. Telling him to run. That he doesn't deserve happiness. That this man before him, upon seeing the self destructive walls Dean had put in place, would run and hide. That cas would be fearful of him. This echoing thought sent waves through out Dean and he felt his face fall every so slightly. Gleaming green eyes wavered from the pools of life they had been. "What's wrong?"

Castiel's voice was a distant rumble to Dean's ears. He was lost. He was drowning. He was sinking into a stillness cold and hollow. It took one thought, he found, to take his mind from the pleasant state it had been in to turn it into his own ammunition. One thought to act as bullet. One thought to act as blade. 

Dean didn't now how long he had been sitting there in a daze because when he came back to his senses the air was cold. There was no clattering of keyboards or chattering of coffee house patrons - it was quiet. It was silent. A silence that cut his skin making him feel a sense of being watched far before he gathered the courage to look around and meet the eyes that pierced him. His skin felt tight, felt wrong. He wanted to run. His breath came in short burst if at all. His heart crashed about in his chest begging him to leave before it burst. He went to stand up only then noticed the arms that held him tightly.

His senses, slowly coming back to him, allowed him to feel strong arms around his shoulders and a body pressed against his head. The smell of ground coffee and old books hung about the air around them. A mixture pleasant, one he longed to know within each day to day. With each breath he felt himself calming. He heard a whisper. Gently at first as if the sound was nothing more than the the fluttering of butterfly wings outside your window. He heard it swell with in his mind coming in short bursts of crescendos lulling him back into realities grasp. Dean leaned into the solid figure and simply breathed. His ever present overwhelming sense of shame not yet fully restored allowed him a moment of tranquility before he realized he was the cause of the present silence. The only sound within the brightly lit building was that of a deep whisper. Meant only for Dean though overheard by all with the ability to hear within the room, and that was most. All eyes penetrating the two as Castiel pulled Dean away from the beckoning edge of panic. 

When Dean felt he could speak without letting lose the demons he battles within he quietly thanked Cas and asked him to let go. Dean could feel the hesitation in Cas's movement as he pulled his arms back to himself and moved around to stand in front of the Winchester. He looked worried, Dean noted. He winced at this realization. He had half hoped Cas would have looked passive. Half hoped out of fear for the alternative that Castiel was only holding him out of a sense of "it's the thing to do". Dean believed that if Castiel didn't show he cared, even in the slightest, that it would be a lesser pain than the thought that he could be loved. As Dean stared into the wide eyed man in front of him he concluded that yes. He was right. Looking into cold eyes would have been a gift to the butterflied sensation that vibrated though his being. Leaving him feeling that much more like a faliure and full of pure joy at the same time. He doesn't feel like he's worth being loved, he wants to fight it with every fiber of his being. By this point most of the coffee house patrons have gone back to their chatting, although their eyes dart back to the pair periodically. 

"Cas I..." He has to look away from the mans piercing blue eyes and drops to a whisper. "Cas I'm sorry to scare you like that... I shouldn't have come." He gets up and exits the door before Castiel could have a chance to say anything. 

The bell on the door chimes with a happy tune that did well to contradict the tense atmosphere left within. The air felt colder than normal. Dean ran his hands through this hair our of nervous habit and found he had been sweating. His mind was racing. He didn't know where to go, which way to turn. He started left and bumped into a woman pushing a baby carriage. He mumbled his apology turning to head the opposite direction. He made it a grand half a block away from Perdition before he was stopped in his tracks. 

"Dean! This is unacceptable. Where do you think you're going in your state?" Castiel, still wearing his slightly flour adorn apron, stood arms cross and expecting an answer a few feet from where Dean stood. 

"I'm getting away..." Dean whispers still not looking directly at Cas. 

"Away from what Dean?" Castiel's gruff voice wavered sightly while asking. He chanced a step forward but Dean backed away just as much. 

There was a pause before Dean could respond, and his voice was damn near nonexistent when he did speak, "I'm getting away from you Cas..." 

Dean chanced a look up and the absolutely crushed look that absorbed Castiel's face made his insides contort. He wanted to hold him. Embrace Blue eyes like he embraced Dean earlier only never let go but instead he turns to walk away. Intent on just walking he ignores the quiet voice behind him begging him to say why. 

"Did I do something I shouldn't have? Did I make you...uncomfortable? Have I offended you in some way? Dean? Dean stop walking away and talk to me!" His voice was filled with enough passion to melt the hearts of angels solid in their beliefs but Dean was no angel, already broken, and trying to hold on for dear life to the fragments of completeness he still feels - he walks away.

Castiel, on the brink of tears, be them of anger or grief one couldn't say, is faced with a choice in this moment. He stands in the middle of the sidewalk clenching and unclenching his fists, watching with blurry eyes as Dean walks further away. His mind races. He can feel every beat of his heart. He feels in detail the expansion of his lungs with every inhale and their collapse with every unsteady breath out. His body shakes in anticipation to his decision while he debates whether to seek the answer to his plea or if he should walk away, like Dean, from something unknown and terrifying...he is terrified. What could he have done? The answers bombard him with lightning speed each answer having one thing in comon. That thing being he did nothing. Nothing! The fire that burns behind his normaly calm eyes blasts into an unstoppable nova, he knows. There is no decision to be made here.


	8. What you are

Castiel starts towards Dean. Footsteps matching the beat of his heart as it calms down. He closes the distance that lay between the two with ease and grabbed Dean by the shoulder twisting him around. Dean's face was pale and beaded with sweat. His eyes watery Cas knew Dean wanted nothing more that to be away from here. To be somewhere else hiding from whatever lay just behind green eyes. But he didn't care. Castiel was aware of the onlookers in the street. Some hung back ever so slightly as if debating whether to get involved with the two men or not. Unsure where this altercation was leading. He was aware of this but chose to ignore it. There were more important things before him than the thoughts of strangers. 

"Cas please..." Dean let out. A whisper almost silent; begging. 

"No. You see the problem here isn't me. I just met you, Dean Winchester, I just met you and I should not be feeling this way. You are little more than a stranger to me and yet a can't let you walk away from this. There is something here!" He let go of Dean's arm but never looked away from his eyes. Dean looked frightened. Eyes darting around but never at Cas. "There is something here and that scared me because I have never felt this way before! For God's sake would you look at me!" Reluctantly Dean lifted his eyes up to meet Castiel's. 

"Am I wrong Dean? If there isn't anything here, please for the love of God, tell me. Isn't there something here?"

"No..." Dean whispered out and Castiel's world fell to ashes. Everything felt stagnant. As if someone couldn't take the scene that played out before them any longer and pressed pause on his life. He stepped back. Retracting away from Dean. "No, you're not wrong." 

Something a mix of pure joy and utter anger flashed through ever cell in his body. "I'm ... I'm not wrong?" Cas managed to breath out. Steadying his emotions Castiel pressed forward again. "Then why are you running away from me?"

Tears almost choked Dean as he screamed at Cas, "Because I'm terrified! Because I am nothing but shit, a fuck up! Because there is nothing 'good' in me! I'm trying to run away from you because I can't have this... I can't have someone like you. I have nothing to give you but pain, I am nothing but pain, and you're right!" He took a moment to breathe. Trying so hard to hold back the emotions inside of himself. "I just met you and already you made me feel like I could be something better than I am but I... I can't. I deserve this. I don't deserve to feel love, to be loved. I'm supposed to hurt..." 

Castiel grabbed Dean with a strength that surprised him and held him pressed close upon his body. He was aware of every point of contact between them. It felt like electricity was pulsing around them. They held each other like if they were to let go, even for an instant, the feeling would dissipate. After a few moments of trying to steady his breath Dean became aware of Castiel speaking. Somewhere along the lines they had fallen to their knees. Cas was holding Dean's head in a loving manor against his chest. He stroked Dean's hair gently and was whispering to him. 

"Sh Dean, sh. Whoever told you that you don't deserve love is wrong. You deserve to be loved. You just have to let me." The feeling of Castiel's voice vibrating in his chest paired with his own tears left Dean feeling drained. He didn't want to move but sat up as a stranger approached them. 

"Excuse me... are you two alright?" An dark haired kid was kneeling down besides them now. Cas stood up and helped Dean to his feet as well. 

"Yes, I apologize for our outburst." 

"No don't! I was just walking by, I didn't actually see what happened." He smiled at the two men and readjusted his backpack on his shoulder.

Dean hid his face from the student. Although that was to be expected. His face was red and blotchy from tears. He allowed himself to be moved by Castiel back towards Perdition. The boy walked along side them chatting with Cas. 

"- So where were you headed?" Castiel asked the boy trying to ease the awkwardness of the situation.

"Oh, I was going to study at this coffee shop my friend was telling me about. I've got a break before my next class so I thought now would be as good a time as ever."

"Why not just study at the library?" 

"To loud." He shrugged. "Well I'm glad you two are alright. Have a nice day."

Cas opened the door for Dean to walk in and tilted his head to the side when the boy walked in with them. 

"I swear I'm not following you two, I'm just here for some coffee..." 

"Well then... What can I get for you?" Cas asked as he walked around the counter and began washing his hands. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me about any spelling/grammar mistakes yall see, I'm not the best of spellers out there and that would make it a smoother read for any other fellows after you. I'll try to go back and fix them up.


End file.
